


Missed Opportunities

by bunnybrook



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Brainwashing, Guilt, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Rape/Non-con Elements, Sexual Assault, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-10
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-11-12 08:16:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11157885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bunnybrook/pseuds/bunnybrook
Summary: Saïx sure feels a lot of things for someone who doesn't have a Heart.





	Missed Opportunities

If Xemnas loves, he loves Xigbar. Saïx hopes that he can’t, hopes with what little hope he can find, that when the two understand each other without speaking it is because they had known each other for longer and not because Xemnas was lying when he looked down on Saïx said he could never feel anything. That he had never felt anything. That he feels nothing. Saïx hopes with the skip in his pulse when Xemnas entered a room, with the weighted pride in his stomach as he got closer and closer the Superior that when he gets to the top there will be nothing between him and Xemnas.

He starts to keep the nights where Axel stays up in a neatly placed folder in the back of his mind. Visible, but nothing so noticeable as to draw attention to it. The fallout is the only time Saïx seems to remember, when Axel isn’t in his room but outside of it. 

Axel says something like, “Fuck you,” but slurred because he is drunk, probably. And Saïx might have betrayed him but at least he does not drink. He says, “Do you even realize what you’re doing?”

Saïx’s throat is raw. So he doesn't answer.

“You’re going to wind up just like them!” Axel’s hand is a blur, a shadow moving in the shadows. He gestures to “them”, the embodiment of evil that lies far beyond the two Nobodies. He gestures to Saïx, an extension of “them”.

“It’s part of our plan,” Saïx says. Supposedly a gentle reminder, it spurs Axel into action. He has to be drunk, he stumbles when he tries to punch. He falls over. He curls up, small. Saïx would have left him if he wasn’t right in the doorway.

“You’re leaving me,” Axel sobs. Saïx lifts him by the underarms and throws him over his shoulder. Axel hits his back with weak willed punches. Axel sobs. “Don’t leave me. Please, don’t leave me. Please.”

Saïx carries Axel back to his room, drops him on the bed. “Sober up, then talk to me.”

He hears Axel fall onto the floor trying to crawl after Saïx as he leaves. He abandons Axel to cry and hurt himself in his room. Down Saïx's sides are scratches left by Xigbar’s rugged nails. Between his thighs, bite marks left by Xemnas’s sharp teeth. And now, on his back, light bruises from Axel’s fists. 

On his way back to his room he creeps by Xigbar’s, then Xemnas’s, listening for voices. Silence. He strips when he’s alone. The scratches are worse than he thought, scabs open when his shirt comes off. In the dark room he can still see the hickeys on his thighs.

They had kissed while they were inside of him. After Xigbar held him down and Xemnas marked him, Xemnas was behind him and Xigbar down his throat and, leaning over his body, they kissed. Like he wasn't there. 

When they bother to finish him it’s only to see him cry.

In his room he touches his tender flesh. Bent in half, touches marks of ownership reverently. It's disgusting how hard they make him.

Xigbar had come to him first. Or had Saïx gone to him? In the lobby, of all places, he'd caught Xigbar in a bad mood. He can't remember what he said, after time words fade to whispers that fade to feelings. Xigbar had his hands on Saïx's shoulders, then his foot connected with a shin. The tile made the fall feel like it had broken his kneecaps.

Axel called this “blowjob knees”. He'd laughed when he saw them at first, but it faded. He turned cold. He said, quiet, “And I sure didn't give ‘em to you.”

Xigbar loved Saïx’s mouth in a way he would never understand. Saïx would never dare ask, Xigbar told him anyway. It was because he wasn't afraid to use it, or something. It had made Saïx self conscious, go gargle half a bottle of mouthwash. In bed later, Axel said, “You taste fresh.” Pronounced ‘ _ fresh _ -uh’ like it was a joke.

With Xemnas there was never a first. Saïx had woken up as a Nobody with Xemnas inside of his mind, chewing on him like a rat. They had clashed at first. Saïx would sass and Xemnas would take him by the hair and slam his head into the wall. When Saïx woke up, he would vomit. This happened a few times. 

Then there was the time he and Axel had tried to run. They befriended someone in Twilight Town, they'd make it there first. Stay the night, move on. They didn't even make it to their first destination.

Saïx only remembered the mark blinding him, his eyes aching almost more than the burning, bleeding flesh between his eyes. He had heard Axel, then he hadn't and he became something under Xemnas, the weight on top of his writhing body and the pressure in his head defining him. When he woke up, he vomited. He was quiet after that.

Axel said, “Fuck, man, he took whatever was left, didn't he?”

If Saïx has to choose a first time, it would be that.

Saïx wishes they would let him sleep in the same bed. He gets so cold. He tells himself it's the castle, the Darkness gives him chills, that maybe other bodies would warm him up. By that logic, sleeping with Axel would help. Even spooned together, Saïx never feels what he used to. But he wishes they would hold him between them. He wishes for the privilege of tender kisses and, dare he even think it,  _ pillow talk.  _ Some semblance of intimacy, something he knew he'd never get as long as he was Heartless.

Thinking on it, neither of them had ever  _ really _ kissed him. Not the way they kiss each other. Sometimes they kiss the way partners kiss, how he used to kiss Axel. Gentle, a peck on the cheek. It made Saïx want to tear himself to shreds.

Would he ever be enough?

In his perfect world Xemnas is his as much as he is Xemnas’s. It could never be, not with the way Xemnas takes pieces of Saïx when he isn't looking, pops them in his mouth and chews like they're caramel. In some way he did the same to Xigbar, the only difference is that Xigbar didn't mind as much. Maybe teased with it, another form of intimacy Saïx would never share.

He can't sleep. He thinks this is how he'll die. Too heavy with exhaustion to move, exposed and naked on his back, unable to do anything except stare at the ceiling. He could work. He could crawl with his tail between his legs into Axel’s bed and beg for forgiveness. Maybe in the morning Axel wouldn't remember Saïx had rejected him in the first place. He had a feeling Xigbar and Xemnas weren't in the Castle anymore. And if they were, they were talking business Saïx wasn't quite allowed to hear.

Xemnas likes to say, “You achieve your goals, I achieve mine. All in time.”

Saïx wouldn't mind as much if Xigbar wasn't sitting beside him, cackling.

In his perfect world Xigbar wasn't in the picture. Saïx would have been there from the beginning. Logically, it would never work. Isa had been a young teenager while Xehanort and the Apprentices worked in the castle. He had to be with Lea. But if he had known things would turn out like this, he would have let himself disappear with Hollow Bastion.

In the end, he jerks off and finishes quickly. The only noise he makes is a quiet gasp at the end, then a groan and a quiet whisper of, “What the fuck am I doing?”

If Saïx feels, he feels loneliness. It's of his own doing. If Saïx feels, he feels guilt. He dresses himself in an undershirt and boxer shorts, grabs his tablet off the shelf. On his way to the lobby, he stops by Axel’s room. He's passed out, half under blankets, mouth open. He snores. If Saïx feels, he feels regret. 

He brushes hair out of Axel's face and rolls his head to the side, just in case Axel vomits during the night. He leans down to kiss Axel's temple but stops himself. Axel could wake up. He'd have a hard time explaining.

Saïx leaves Axel's room silently and goes to curl up in the lobby. He has files to organize, touch up Demyx’s reports to make them legible, data to sort through for Vexen. People would be waking up soon as well, he had to prepare for the day. Alone, Saïx works in the dim light of the distant Kingdom Hearts, feeling nothing as he was taught to do.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Tagged rape but didn't put a warning because there's rape, I guess, but it's not a Rape Fic™. I have a lot to say about Saïx . Comments appreciated :D


End file.
